Written in 2022, this story is as relevant today as it was back then – we are grateful to Steven Dodd for sharing his story of near drownings, mental health issues and his love and appreciation of Stand Up Paddle Boarding.
Having nearly drowned twice in my lifetime I never thought that water would one day come to my rescue - funny how life works sometimes. Truth be told to this day I have a huge fear of the power of water but maybe that’s parts of its magic.
Me and water never really found a connection before paddle boarding. At a young age, maybe six or seven, I was at a local park at the edge of a small lake playing whilst a family member was talking to somebody close by. I have a hazy memory of being crouched at the water’s edge looking down into it.
The next thing I remember is being under the water looking up at the light. At this point I did not know how to swim. I somehow remember just being there not moving for what seemed like forever but was probably seconds in what seemed to me to be deep water. There was no panic initially just calm. It was only when I saw a hand entering the water that I began to try to reach for the light. As it turned out the water was not so deep, and I was pulled from the water, my first and not last encounter.
Uncomfortable around Water
My next bad experience with water was not so much about drowning, more about embarrassment and ridicule. At the time my junior school started swimming lessons I had gone deaf and had to have grommets in my ears. This meant I was unable to go swimming so missed out on learning that skill for 2 years. By the time I started to learn to swim my classmates could all swim reasonably well, so I had to learn with younger children. You can imagine the rest; this was the 80’s, a very different time.
This experience coupled with the near drowning made me very nervous around water. I did stick with the lessons and eventually learned to swim. Although I would go swimming from time to time with friends and family, I was never comfortable with it.
A Dangerous Encounter
My second near drowning encounter came in my mid-twenties. This one is hard to fully remember as at the time I was under the influence of alcohol. I had been out for drinks on Christmas Eve and got carried away with the festivities. Unable to get a taxi I decided it was quicker to walk and hey it was by then Christmas Day! My route took me next to a lake which was the quickest way to get home. The details are hard to recall but I remember being followed by two people whilst on the edges of the lake. I began to jog as I felt unsafe.
What happened next, I will never know but my next memory was being tangled in foliage in the water and not being able to move. I was fully clothed and felt like I was sinking. The water, foliage and inebriated state all combined to just keep pulling me down into the water. How I got out again I will never know. I remember scrambling onto dry land and then being up on a road and the rest is something I have never been able to recall. So, you see me, and water had never been the best of friends!
Discovering SUP
I first saw a paddle board whilst on holiday over ten years ago in Lyme Regis. It was a calm and sunny evening and with the sun setting matched by water like glass two people with boards just turned up and paddled off into the sunset.
I remember thinking wow that must be an amazing thing to be able to do and one day I would love to have a go. I sat and watched for a while and thought how lucky they were to be out there away from all the hustle and bustle of the busy world around us just seemingly floating their way to touch the setting sun. A wonderful feeling but one I would never experience, good things like that didn’t happen to me and there was no way I could take to the water with my track record I had nearly drowned twice in my life after all! So there on that holiday the dream stayed just that - a dream.
So how did I go from a holiday dream to where I am today? A couple of years after the holiday encounter I started to suffer with spinal problems. The first of these being a slipped disc in my lower back. Several scans, x-rays and physio appointments, whilst some days being unable to move and crying with pain, resulted in a prognosis of degenerative disc disease (a generic term I believe) not bad enough for surgery but will only get worse with age. I would have to learn to live with the condition and treatment would be a combination of exercises from the physio team and being prescribed anti-depressants as they somehow help with the pain. I asked how long I would be on the medication and was advised “as long as I needed them”. I was also told that I should stop running, cycling and participating in any high impact sports.
SUP Therapy
I have always been an outdoor person and used to run, cycle, hike and loved spending time gardening so this was devastating news. I decided that anti-depressants were not for me - the thought of the side effects and what they would do to me scared me greatly and I had also seen people close to me become too reliant on them for their intended purpose.
So, I decided I would manage the problem myself. This is where stand up paddle boarding came back into my life. In the time since I had first saw those people head out at Lyme Regis there was a little more interest in the sport and having read more about it, I thought it would be a great way to remain active.
Due to its relative low impact but high all over workout benefits and the fact I would be standing up (less pain from my back when I’m standing), I was sure this would help me to overcome my physical problems, but I would just need to overcome my fear of water? Luckily as part of my physio I had been advised to swim so I started to use my local indoor pool. This proved to be helpful with my pain and mobility but also started to give me some confidence being in the water. To my utter surprise one Christmas my wife bought me a board and local lesson!
I had my lesson and managed to stand up and fall in a few times! I felt a sense of relief in the fact I may have found a form of exercise I could still manage and maybe enjoy. Next on the list was to join a local club to be able to access water regularly and safely. I visited Central SUP and was ‘hooked’ and so my journey into SUP started to unfold. I focused in those early days on becoming less fearful of the water and trying to improve my mobility in my back. How little I knew then how much more SUP would come to help me.
SUP for Mental Health
In paddling for my physical health, I initially missed what it could/was doing for my mind. It took a huge amount of effort and focus for me to find a way to paddle that did not cause me pain, a skill even after almost nine years of paddling I have not yet fully worked out. With my mind solely focused on this, I never fully appreciated the subtle but oh so important benefits it was giving my mind. In the early days I would be physically exhausted after 1-2 hours on an inland lake, so I never gave any time or thought to its other positive gifts.
Here is where SUP gave a second gift to me. Looking back, I think I have always had mental health problems - exactly what it would be labelled as I could not say. There was little to no focus on things like that when I was young, so it was easy to be overlooked. For me, the easiest way I can think of it is being mentally unfit.
I have for the most part and to this day felt/feel awkward around people, never sure what to say and how I should be and always analysing that down to the finest detail. For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived with racing thoughts that take me away from the here and now. It is hard to try and explain but I just feel different and must work hard to slot into the world. In my younger days with the ignorance of youth I guess I got on with seeming to be different (who cares attitude), but this added to life, trauma, age and trigger events all adds up over time.
I remember three distinct periods of real bad mental health in my life each one becoming more intense than the previous episode. The last of these some 2-3 years ago still affects me profoundly to this day. I never really took note of the warning signs as with the other periods in my life, I just followed the same path day after day feeling that I had to try harder to be ‘normal’
The only release for me leading up to my last bad period came on Sundays, the day I could get on the water. By now I had an ok ability on my board that allowed me to enjoy the beauty around me, the nature, the sky, the sun, a breeze on my face or the way the rain hits the water and bounces back up reaching for the sky. A bird singing in the trees or just gliding effortlessly across the lake (some slight envy). There is always something to focus on even with the beauty of nature aside ,staying on the board in different conditions, improving your technique or just watching others to either learn from or just to see the smile on their faces.
I began to crave my Sunday mornings, my release from the everyday world that was slowly pulling me down. A couple of hours in which time meant nothing and my mind could find peace and I could find peace. Even at a busy club day there are times you can be alone. Cold winter mornings with a mist around the lake my world is/was no bigger than what I can see, and it is all I ever need right then and there.
A Dark Place
Being a land locked paddler, safe and regular access to water is always difficult and usually has cost implications. Maybe if I had been able to get out more during my last period of darker days things could have worked out differently, I certainly believe so. When the collapse came it was quick and severe. Whilst out walking one day my world just stopped and I visited a dark place I wish never to see again. Having reached this crisis point I was in the process of receiving some CBT and counselling. At this time, I also lost a close relative to a sudden unexplained death.
As that day played out, I was just about to start my SUP club’s annual Santa paddle when I got the call we all fear. Although a cousin, he was more like my younger brother. My mental state at this time was something I cannot find words for. The timing of my last episode and the loss though somehow worked in my favour of sorts. It came a few months before the start of Covid-19. The lockdown period gave me time to attend regular online counselling and therapy. Although for a large period of lockdown I could not paddle, the time gave me the chance to find some calm. I found peace tending to my garden and spending time with family at home but there was always a part of me that needed to be stood on my deck pad but for now it had to wait.
I would at times imagine how that first paddle out would feel and if it still had the power to ease my thoughts. When the time came, I was not disappointed. For the earlier stages after lockdown, I had to paddle alone and here I found an even stronger connection. As I struggle to fit in around people the time alone was not alone. I had the water and earth around me not expecting me be anything other than present in the passing of the time we shared.
Finding Myself in SUP
So, what does paddle boarding give me? All my self-doubt, hate and anxiety fade away the moment I’m on the water and I become part of something bigger. I feel much more connected than I do in society. I feel empowered by nature and the elements. I hope this path leads to more of a bond and understanding of this fragile earth we live on. I have people I can share with and learn from who not only help me overcome my fear of water but fear of myself and the everyday world I find so difficult.
For the most part I still feel like an empty shell these days, but it is here where paddle boarding has benefitted me most. I have found a platform from which hopefully I am learning to slowly re-fill my heart and soul. This coupled with an amazingly kind and loving person who lets me be a part of their life, faults and all.
I have done things I would never have thought possible. I am now a qualified instructor teaching others regularly, I have taken part in amateur national SUP races and have recently completed the Trent100. So maybe in the deep blue and surrounding green I can reach in and find myself TRUE self. Nature and water have the power to save us all in some way. We just need to save it first.
Thanks for sharing Steven’s story Sarah!